Near
a lake used by scuba divers was a bar, and a man walked in carrying
a cardboard box. He put the box on the bar and ordered a drink.
It was quiet, and the barman was a talkative fellow — he naturally
asked what was in the box. The man didn't answer, but opened the box
and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool,
and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano
and started to play the most incredible music you had ever heard.
“He's fantastic!” said the barman, “Where did you
get him?” “Well,” said the customer, “I had
been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle
of lake, at about 15 feet, and looking very tired. I took hold of
the frog and carried him to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved,
so I carried him to the shore. “When I put him down –
and you're not going to believe this bit,” the man said, “–
the frog started to talk! He said he wasn't really a frog, but was
a handsome prince turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because
he had never learned to swim, he wasn't making a very good job of
being a frog. And as I had just saved his life, he was going to grant
me a wish. “Now, the frog did seem to have difficulty equalizing
as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I told
him my wish – and that was how I got a 10" pianist!”
Two divers go spear-fishing. They catch
a lot of fish and return to the shore. The first one says, “I hope
you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.” The other
answers, “Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark
the spot.” “You idiot!” cries the first, “How
do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?” (‘borrowed’ from
Jokes for Inspiration and Elevation, and modified.)
Signs that your Dive Buddy is a lawyer:
He threatens to sue Smuckers for his Jellyfish stings.
He exclaims, "The only Bends that I'm going to get is a Mercedes."
He doesn't need a cage to dive with sharks because of professional
courtesy.
He reminds you not to leave your dive gloves behind, saying,"If
only O. J. had listened."
He actually reads every word of the Liability Waiver Form.
Signs Your Buddy is Narced:
He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
You find him buddy-breathing with a grouper.
After you surface, he keeps trying to buddy-breathe through your snorkel.
She keeps giving her octopus to an octopus.
He pulls off your fin and tries to breathe off your big toe.
His mask fogs under water, and he spits in it.
Your mask fogs under water, and he spits in it.
He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.
Two divers were checking a new reef
when they saw a shark. The shark circled them, menacingly. One diver
took off his fins and reached inside his BC and pulled out a pair
of super-power fins. His buddy signaled: What? You can't out swim
a shark! The diver signaled back: I don't have to out swim the shark
- I only have to out swim you!
A diver get's back on the boat after
a dive and shouts, "Hey, did anyone lose a knife?" One
of the other diver's says, "Yes, I did!" "Great!",
replies the first diver, "Do you want to sell the sheath?"
Then there's the one about the miserly
diver who bought a surplus Algerian compressor to save fill
charges. Only thing was, the instructions were written in Sanskrit
and he hooks it up backwards and accidentally removes 3000
pounds from his tank. Unknowingly, he sticks the regulator
in his mouth, takes a breath, and is immediately sucked into
the tank, never to be heard from again. I understand his widow
in Brooklyn has the tank mounted at the corner of the fireplace.
(‘borrowed’ from the newsgroup: rec.humor)
| This
man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not
a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's
not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's
not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde
woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the man and she says, "How long has it been since
you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She
reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes
a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then
she asked, "How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof
pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front
of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been
since you had some REAL fun?" And the man cries out, "My
God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too!"
(‘borrowed’ from Jokes2000)
Bill and Harry had been dive buddies since
college. Almost every weekend, they went diving, summer and winter,
dry suit or shortly. On one rare occasion, Bill invited Harry to
his home for dinner. (Bill was married, Harry was not.) During dinner,
Harry noticed that every time Bill spoke to his wife he used very
loving terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and
so on. It was when Bill's wife was clearing away the dishes and carried
them to the kitchen that Harry remarked, “That is really nice — after
all these years that you've been married, you still keep calling
your wife all those pet names.”
Bill looked round quickly and whispered, “To tell you the truth,
Harry, I forgot her name years ago.”
|
©2004 Sarnia Underwater Club |
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If you have any
funny diving jokes please e-mail them to me.
 |
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20
feet below sea level. He noticed a man at the same depth he was, but he
had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet but the guy joined him a few minutes
later. The diver went below another 25 feet, but minutes later the same
guy was there again. This confused the diver, so he took out waterproof
chalk and a chalk-board set, (work with me here) and wrote, "How are
you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"The guy grabbed
the board and chalk, frantically erased what the diver had previously written,
and scribbled.."I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!"
Rescue Diver - Question 1. You are in a dive boat
and one of the divers, an attorney, falls in the sea. What do you throw
him for him to hold onto? An anvil!
A dive boat runs into a terrible storm. The boat
gets pounded by rain and wind and huge waves. The divers are quiet but
really scared. They are sure the boat is going to sink and they are all
going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I
can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and drown like an animal.
If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here
man enough to make me feel like a woman?" One of the dive masters stands
up – a tall, handsome, muscular man, he smiles and starts to walk
up to her. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge
muscles – already, she is glad for her decision. He stands in front
of her, muscles bulging, shirt in hand and says to her: "Here! Iron
this!" (‘borrowed’ from eJokes,)
Signs that a Golfer wishes he/she were Diving
He brags that he Lobstered the 9th hole.
He rejects the 3-wood and asks for the blue semi-dry snorkel instead.
He pulls out his score-card, does some quick math and announces that he
is an "H" golfer and must wait three hours before teeing off.
He introduces himself as the 1997 Masters Champion, "Tiger Shark". |
